Sexuality redefined
“Being creatures means that we cannot re-create ourselves in any fashion or form that we desire by a simple act of the will or the complex work of a surgeon. When we as creatures reject the Creator’s blueprint, we are both rebelling against the natural order of how things objectively are, and (though it may not seem like it) we are rejecting the life that is going to be the highest good for us.” Andrew Walker¹
Hard Conversations
Over the years, I have had many conversations with people who wrestle with questions of sexuality and gender. Some have confided about same-sex attraction. Others have shared their struggles with gender identity. These conversations are often marked by tears, fear of rejection, and a longing for love and belonging.
What has always struck me is how heavy these burdens feel for the one who shares. Many who grew up in the church have internalized the idea that their struggles make them uniquely unworthy of God’s love. They sometimes assume that confessing them would end relationships with parents, siblings, or church family. I have also seen families respond in two equally damaging ways. Some, determined to be faithful to Scripture, have cut ties with their children or loved ones. Others, fearful of losing a relationship, have set aside biblical convictions and affirmed lifestyles Scripture calls sinful. Both responses fall short of the grace and truth of Jesus Christ.
The call of the Christian is to hold two truths together. God has made it clear in his Word that same-sex sexual relationships are outside of his design (Genesis 2; Leviticus 18:22; Romans 1:26–27; 1 Corinthians 6:9–10). At the same time, he has commanded us to love our neighbors as ourselves, including those we disagree with (Matthew 5:43–44). The tension is not something to resolve but a posture to embody.
Same-Sex Attraction
Our culture tells many lies about same-sex attraction. It claims that Christians hate the gay community, that God cannot change desires, that the Bible is silent on long-term monogamous same-sex relationships, and that because Jesus never directly mentioned homosexuality it cannot be sin. Perhaps most powerfully, it insists that sexual preference is core to a person’s identity.
As parents, we need to help our children untangle these lies with biblical truth. The gay community is not our enemy. They are a mission field, and most are captives to sin rather than rebels shaking a fist at God. Disagreeing with someone’s choices is not hatred. Same-sex attraction itself is not the same as homosexual practice, just as temptation is not the same as sin. And homosexuality is not the unforgivable sin.
It is also crucial for our children to understand that marriage, though a good gift, is not the ultimate goal of the Christian life. Scripture shows us that the deepest and most important relationship is not between spouses but between spiritual brothers and sisters united in Christ. Sam Allberry, who himself experiences same-sex attraction, has written that the gospel does not demean the love we feel, but it does tell us not to place our hope for ultimate satisfaction in romance or sex, but in Christ alone.² In the church, our mission is not to turn people into heterosexuals but to point them to Jesus.
Rachel Gilson explains that our goal is not heterosexuality, but holiness. Jesus is not after orientation change, but heart change.³ Ultimately, it is the work of the Spirit alone that can change our deepest desires. In other words, the aim is not to move someone from one category of desire to another but to call them into the transforming grace of Christ.
This is why it matters how we speak with our children. If at some point they experience same-sex attraction themselves, they need to know that our love for them has not changed and that our home is a place where they can talk openly without fear of rejection. Grace in our words creates the space for honesty.
The Transgender Debate
Alongside same-sex attraction, the transgender movement has rapidly reshaped the cultural landscape. At its core is the same separation of body and personhood we discussed earlier in this series. According to this view, the body is not an integral part of who we are but something malleable, even expendable. Gender becomes an identity you choose rather than a gift you receive.
This confusion has grown especially among young people. Nearly one in five teenagers today identifies as transgender, non-binary, or questioning.⁴ Experts have noticed the rise of “rapid-onset gender dysphoria,” particularly among adolescent girls immersed in social media. Behind these statistics are real children who are struggling to make sense of their bodies and their identities.
The transgender narrative tells them that biological sex and gender are unrelated, that surgery and hormones will bring freedom, and that discomfort with their body means they are in the wrong body. But Scripture tells a different story. God does not separate sex from gender. He created us male and female with purpose and wisdom. Puberty is difficult for everyone, and discomfort does not mean you have been made incorrectly. Hobbies or personality traits do not define whether someone is male or female.
Rebecca McLaughlin has said that if we care about people, we will care about their bodies, because their bodies are an essential part of who they are.⁵ To affirm sin is not the same as love. Real love tells the truth and offers grace. People who struggle with gender dysphoria are not enemies to defeat but neighbors to love, often carrying deep hurt.
And once again, the way we speak about this in our homes matters. If our children ever struggle with gender identity, they must know that they can come to us. Even as we teach them God’s truth, they must also be confident of our love.
Cultivating Grace and Truth
Parents, the way we talk about these issues in our homes will profoundly shape how our children respond. If we speak with scorn, they will learn to see people as enemies. If we speak with compassion while holding fast to God’s Word, they will learn to see people as image-bearers in need of grace, and in their time of need, they will feel comfortable coming to us.
It is important we teach them that most who struggle with same-sex attraction or gender identity are captives rather than rebels. We can watch our words carefully, knowing our kids are listening. We can avoid panicking if our children express discomfort with their bodies, and we must be careful not to place extra-biblical expectations on what it means to be masculine or feminine. Above all, we must help them see those who are hurting not as opponents but as a mission field.
Tim Keller often reminded the church that truth without grace is not really truth, and grace without truth is not really grace.⁶ If we only tell people that they are wrong without showing them the Savior, we fail. If we only affirm them without calling them to repentance, we fail. But when we speak the truth in love, we reflect the heart of Christ.
A Better Story
Our culture promises freedom through self-expression, but God offers something far greater: life through Christ. Andrew Walker reminds us that rejecting God’s blueprint is not only rebellion, it is rejecting the very life that is for our good.⁷ The church has sometimes mishandled this conversation, treating sexual sin as if it were uniquely unforgivable. But the gospel tells us that Jesus died to save sinners of every kind and to offer forgiveness and new life to all who come to him.
This is the better story we must tell our children. Sexuality is not ultimate. Jesus is. Our hope is not in orientation change or identity labels, but in the transforming power of Christ, who alone makes us whole. If we want our children to hold on to this hope, they need to hear it from our lips spoken with conviction and grace, and they need to feel it in our homes as a love that never wavers, even when they struggle.
*This blog post is adapted from a class originally taught at Trinity Community Church as part of our series on parenting in a sexualized world. Some content has been edited for readability and format, but the core material reflects the teaching and discussion from that session.
Endnotes
Andrew T. Walker, God and the Transgender Debate (The Good Book Company, 2017).
Sam Allberry, Is God Anti-Gay? (The Good Book Company, 2013).
Rachel Gilson, Born Again This Way (The Good Book Company, 2020).
Pew Research Center, “About 5% of young adults in the U.S. say their gender is different from their sex assigned at birth” (2022).
Rebecca McLaughlin, Confronting Christianity: 12 Hard Questions for the World’s Largest Religion (Crossway, 2019).
Timothy Keller, Center Church (Zondervan, 2012).
Walker, God and the Transgender Debate.